Today has been really rough, as was yesterday. Nothing feels like it’s going right right now. I just want to give up. I’ve had enough. I’ve cried on the phone with two support people and it didn’t help. I feel like a POS.
I grapple with this concept a lot. In my work, one of the things I’m supposed to do is role model hope to my peers, hope that they are just as capable of a successful recovery journey as I am. But then I feel like a fraud because I actually question my commitment to hope on a regular basis.
I hope for many things for myself, and I also hope for many things for the people I love. In fact, I’d say I hope harder for the people I love than I do for myself.
Perhaps that is about my own self-worth, but it’s also about having hoped for things for so long…and having them not pan out.
All my life, I’ve needed some kind of carrot strung up in front of me to motivate me along. That illusive bloody carrot! It’s changed form so many times over the years, but right now that carrot is hope. It’s a puny, shrivelled carrot and it hangs by a flimsy thread – but it’s there.
And I really think at times that it’s the only thing that keeps me alive.
I am starting to come around to believing a couple of things about my life and the things in it that are not working. While I SAY I want things, I am frustrated that I’m not getting them. I am starting to believe that I’m not getting these things because I am not fully committed to them, and I am not fully committed to them because I have a lot of fear around them.
Men/relationships. I am not going to rehash everything here because what I have to rehash is, ultimately, irrelevant. I am now starting to accept that this is an area that scares the hell out of me, and because of that, I have only partially committed to the work of creating this in my life. By partially, I mean, yes, I have done a lot of online searching and done some dating, but I know I could have taken more risks and met more men and been a lot more confident.
What am I afraid of? Honestly ALL OF IT. I am afraid of the usual stuff: rejection, getting hurt, etc. But I also look back at my marriage, and I am afraid of repeating the same things in a new relationship that I did or had in my marriage. I am afraid of the depressions I experience ruining things. I am afraid of vulnerability. I am afraid of having to hide myself. I am afraid of losing self-determination, control, and individuality. I fear intimacy. I am afraid of tearing down a wall I am just starting to realize I have built. I am afraid that I don’t know how to “relationship” any more after over 11 years alone.
What am I going to do about it? I really have no idea. Insight, acceptance, and knowledge is one step in a process that I fear could take the rest of my life. I don’t know how to change these beliefs, I don’t know how to not fear these things any more because they are so ingrained. But, what can I commit to? I can commit to not closing myself off any more. I can commit to trying to be vulnerable more. I can commit to being authentic with everyone and the world. I cannot do anything about my wonky brain chemistry except committing to manage it as best I can. I can commit to not hiding. I have to challenge all my many cognitive distortions about this, which is no easy feat.
On to weight/dieting. This is going nowhere, and it’s no one’s fault but my own. I have not lived fully committed to losing the weight, dieting, and exercise. I know I have not pushed myself. I have not made good decisions.
What am I afraid of? Well, for one thing, I’m overwhelmed by the amount of weight I have to lose, and I fear failure. I hate working hard for no success. I fear making room in my schedule to exercise regularly because I tire out so easily, and I hate being tired. In a weird way, I also fear success, too, because I doubt it will make much difference in how I feel about myself, though of course, I realize the health benefits would be huge. I fear the struggle, the setbacks, I fear the process, which I know from previous experience is long, hard, and taxing. I fear it’s not going to be worth the effort.
What am I going to do about it? I have to break it down into manageable pieces. I have to make a series of smaller commitments instead of looking at it as one huge commitment. I have to recommit every day, if necessary. I have to do my best to change my thinking and focus on all the benefits and gains instead of the potential barriers and pitfalls. I have to challenge my cognitive distortions around this issue, like I have to with the previous issue.
I have a lot of work to do.
For three years I have done the online dating thing. It’s gone nowhere, and in the end, has only ended up frustrating me, depressing me, demoralizing me, and making me feel defeated. The decision came to me recently to let go of online dating completely and just let the universe take its course, whatever that might be. I simply don’t believe I’m going to find what I’m looking for online, and to be honest, I am just put off of the whole process of finding someone and staring something; it’s too much work right now, and is too much heartache.
I think I’m just better off being alone and okay with my loneliness than I am engaging in a futile weeding out process full of rejection and disappointment.
I am not sure what the future holds, obviously. I never ever thought I’d spend this long alone, but I just have to accept that and move forward. I just hope that one day I will be way less bitter and jaded and more open; I do not want to be a closed off person who shrivels when things get uncomfortable and hard.
Yesterday I wrote a huge, long, arduous exam for my peer support accreditation. Honestly, I’d never had an exam like it before, even in university. It took me over 2.5 hours to write and for some people it took them over 4. It was very writing-intense, and I continually had to shake out my writing hand as it kept getting achy and crampy. Even the true and false sections of the exam required writing because we had to justify our answers. It was hugely intense, hugely stressful, and exhausting. It was also over lunch hour so I missed lunch and came out of the exam starving. Once it was over and I had debriefed with some of my co-workers, I got some food at the mall, headed home, and pretty much crashed.
I had a great sleep last night but this morning by 11am, I was toast, and I slept again from 11 to 2pm. I really needed that and felt a lot better when I got up.
I had envisioned spending the day watching movies, but I can’t get my Chromecast to work with my new computer so that’s out. I may just go back to bed! Tomorrow, I changed my plans from meeting up with a friend in downtown Van to staying at home and getting a few things done around the house. It’s peeing with rain, so I am extra unmotivated to go out.
Now that I have the motivation & opportunity, I don’t know what to say.
I am going off Abilify because I don’t care for the side effects, however, I am feeling so crappy that I’m at the point of going back on it. I see the doctor next week and will tell her everything, but I am hoping I even out between now and then so that I don’t have to go back. I’ve been on it three and a half years now, and I was doing so very well up until a couple of weeks ago…I thought it might be a good time to come off, but it’s November and the season is changing, which always means for me a bit of a drop in mood, and a reacquainting myself with Mr. Happy the SAD lamp.
And I was doing great until a couple of weeks ago. Work was going spiffingly, and I was feeling fantastic, more fantastic than I ever have in about 20 years. I had momentum, energy, focus, and all that good stuff.
Now I am falling back in that pit. I am annoyed.