Melting Down
Last night I had a humungous meltdown, and that hasn’t happened in a while. It took me by total surprise.
I’d had a relatively decent day at work for once, with only a minor snafu to deal with, and I even had a compliment from one of the four big complainers, a group we refer to as The Four. That was nice. Dad picked me up and drove me home, and two minutes later the drama started.
It started over something very minor, involved Jem & Shan & me, and it ended with me spending two hours crying my eyes out and missing a nice dinner. Well, I didn’t miss out completely; someone brought me over a plate, which was very kind.
As I was sobbing, I practiced the DBT skill of observation. This led me through a series of thought processes and eventually I did figure out what was going on – and it had nothing to do with minor incident with my family, but rather about something much bigger – or rather two things.
One of the things that led to this, I think, was a delayed stress reaction to the move. Stress and BPD are a poisonous mixture. Even though I have handled this move well, what this meltdown taught me was that I still need to be very aware of how transitions affect me. I thought I was doing great; I felt excited and happy. Last night, it all came crashing down: I was frightened, worried, and convinced this wasn’t going to work out. Some rational thoughts, and some irrational thoughts. Even though I felt great until last night, I have to be aware that stress reactions can happen well after the initial event.
The other thing that led to this meltdown was a triggering incident that happened during the main incident with my brother & SIL. A whole bunch of very powerful feelings boiled to the surface after a brief moment of interaction – and I couldn’t handle it. I don’t want to blog about these feelings, nor do I want to talk about them with Jem & Shan: they are too deep and too upsetting. But I have realized that they are still there, no matter what I do or how good my overall mental health is. And that kind of disappoints me. There are things I thought I would get over once I was well again, but I guess that isn’t the case…
I had a night of night sweats last night, but did have a decent sleep despite this. Today, I am doing laundry and taking it easy.
Wandering Coyote 
Wandering Coyote, thank you so much for sharing the knowledge you applied and the skills you used to process this event. I found it insightful and helpful in understanding some recent incidents in my own life and how they affected me.
Courage, chère soeur.
You’re welcome! I’m glad you got something out of it!
Not only is a move stressful, but the conditions leading up to the move are stressful too. You had a LOT of planning to do and choices to make. Then, Juno was puking for the first couple of days, which worried you.
Don’t do anything but go to work this week. Spend your off hours on things you enjoy. If the weather is nice, take a walk with your camera. Play with Juno, to help acclimate BOTH of you. Decompress from the move. Next week, or whenever, is soon enough to worry about unpacking and organizing. Enjoy your magnificent accomplishments this week!
Personally, I think that putrid green color caused your meltdown. That’s my story and I’m sticking with it. ;p
Actually, I never took into account all the planned before the move: the planning of the move, the research into utilities, setting up the utilities…etc. There WAS a TON of planning… I will take it easy this week…Though I had thought I wouldn’t need to. Oh well.
And yes, the colour of the walls here isn’t helping…Soon, though, it will change!
Your ability to process through a meltdown seems quite amazing to me. And here you are, writing about it. I didn’t know you in the “old” days, and even though the “old” stuff is still around, I think you’ve come a looooooong way.
Have a hug on me–take two, they’re free.
Thanks, Charlie. I could use a good hug right now. I think I have come a long way too, and my family agrees.
Hey, Wandering Coyote. There isn’t any advice that I can give you that you haven’t heard already. I just want to say that I’m thinking about you and sending lots of positive thoughts and feelings your way! I hope you (and Juno) feel better after resting today.
Hi Sunita! Nice to see you! I know I owe you an email, too – I haven’t forgotten! Thanks for the positive thoughts – I really appreciate that! My spice cupboard shelf like your curry powder, like heaven! 😀 I’ll have to take a picture of my spice shelf and post it – I can’t believe how many little jars I have…
I’m glad you’re taking it easy. YOu definitely have great inside into your BPD. Bravo!
Thanks! I really feel that all the DBT is starting to pay off.
Don’t be too hard on yourself. Moving is one of the top stressing things that can happen in your life. Divorce , death, moving…big one! I personally think you are doing remarkably well with all the big changes in your life. And you are knocking off so many of the goals you set for the new year.
New place, outta debt, new job. Those are major!
Thanks Tina! I know…Sometimes I have to pinch myself because the accomplishments feel so surreal at times…
I agree with everyone above, you are doing an amazing job with all the changes happening in your life lately. And to have a little meltdown, and deal with it bravely and sanely, proves how far you have come! So proud of you, WC.
Oh, I had left a message here but it didn’t publish. I wanted to say that if this is any consolation to you, when we mvoed from West london to East london I cried every night for 2 years, if not even longer. Every night.
We are like cats, we are creatures who love routines. Moving disrupts everything! But you’ll get used to everything…