Decades

Back in my late 30s, I had goals for turning 40.  Children.  A relationship.  Weight loss.  Meaningful work.  Travel. Generally having my shit together.  I have accomplished the meaningful work item on the list, and I do generally believe I have my shit together.  But I am also pushing 45 (which I will be in July 2019), which means 50 is just around the corner for me.  I am bordering on middle age!

Obviously, children are not happening for me – I have let that go completely, though the process of doing that was quite difficult.  But it’s done.  In terms of reproduction, all I have to look forward to now are hot flashes, possible HRT, and the dreaded menopause.  God, I am looking forward to not bleeding every month anymore!  I am so over menstruation.  On that front, Mother Nature can kick in any time now.

I am still flying solo, still the lone wolf.  I still carry with me a tiny spark of something I guess I’ll call hope that that is not a permanent status for me.  But now my goal is to be settled into something by the age of 50.

As for weight loss, I have to keep on working on that, as I also want to go into my 50s fitter, lighter, and feeling a whole hell of a lot better about this body that carries my brain around than I do right about now.  My plan now is to, after Christmas is all over, get back on the weight loss band wagon and get all the prerequisites done for bariatric surgery – and have the bloody surgery in 2019.  Or at least be referred to the clinic here at the coast that does the surgery by mid-2019.  Because I do not want to be carrying around this weight in my middle ages.  I want to do shit, active shit.

The last thing I kinda want settled by the next big decade of my life is my housing situation.  This is a very big deal.  It’s also the cause of much stress.  I am in a good situation now that I can afford, but I would love to have something more stable and long-term sorted out for myself by the age of 50, because man, I do not want to spend my middle years constantly worrying about shelter and moving from housing crisis to crisis.  How I’m going to do this is a bit of a mystery to me.  Co-ops are full and most of them in my area are not taking on any new wait-list members.  BC Housing – ugh. The options here are not great at all.  Buying is a pipe dream.  I have to believe that something will work out, but that’s hard to do.

On a final note, though she is healthy, I am going to be losing Juno at some point in the next few years.  She is going on 16.  I know I will have to face a life without her in the not-too-distant future.  And that scares me.  In fact, it scares me more than anything.  I am not sure how I will cope with that, but I have decided I will not get another animal when she is gone because I’d like to travel more and not have to worry about pet care at all.  But a Juno-less existence is a very distressing prospect; she has been the best of companions over these past 11 years (and counting).  I worry about life without her.