Middle Ages

In 1 week I will be 47.

I am coming to terms with being middle aged. My body is not what it used to be, and my obsolete reproductive system is doing a thing that is confusing me, and I have aches, pains, stiffness – probably all caused by my weight, which I am trying to get rid of to no avail. Bariatrics are on the horizon for me, though, so I am eager for that to fall in place.

I usually get pretty self-reflective around my birthday. When I was 40, I had a full-on crisis because that was the year of my heart thing and the year I found out I couldn’t have children due to the heart thing, and I also had never really pictured myself living past 40, so I was stressing about my future, sad that I hadn’t accomplished as much as I had wanted to, and worried that I was falling behind my peers in the acquisition of stuff category – you know, like a house, a car, some travel, and basic shit like that.

But I was living a different life. I was on disability due to my chronic mental health conditions, which my heart thing did not help, not working, and living solo in a little suite with my precious cat, Juno.

I didn’t get back into the work force until 2015, and then it was only part time. But it was a great job, and I loved it, and it made me feel successful and validated, and productive, and like I was doing something positive and contributory.

Since then, I have upped my game and now work full time, own a car, have moved into a proper apartment with 2 roommates, and have a nice little life going for me. I am still stressed, single, and now cat-less, but I have come a long way in the past 7 years and have a sense of pride about what I have accomplished.

But aging sucks. Watching my parents age also sucks. People are getting sick and dying. This is all hard, and I’m rapidly hurtling towards an age and a time in life when taking care of parents will be a thing, and so will retirement planning (I’m already thinking ahead on that one!), and so will all kinds of other stuff I’m sure will be unpleasant – like menopause (secretly looking forward to that), and saggy breasts, and more aches, pains, and stiffness.

But, I can do nothing about any of this other than do my best and take care of myself as best I can. I have let a lot of things go over the past few years and it’s taking a toll on my body now. I have a lot of regrets around that stuff. But it’s time to look seriously at my routines and my lifestyle and make some changes before I turn into a sobbing blob of unwound, unhappy womanhood.

This should be fun!
/sarcasm