Full-time Trap

I am starting to get the feeling that the longer I get into my full-time career (it was 2 years in June that I started working full time), the farther away from doing the things that I love I am getting.

I am having a hard time engaging in my usual pleasurable activities these days, and I have no brain power left in me to engage in even Netflix or Amazon Prime, even though there is stuff on both services I know I am interested in seeing. But I also have no brain power left for reading, no energy left for walking/exercise, and no creative juices are really flowing within me at the moment for writing or baking. Though, I will say that the hot weather is more of a deterrent from baking than lack of energy these days, and I did produce some nice muffins on Sunday morning, which was the first baking I’d done in a few months. But, I had been inspired so much this spring to bake after watching The Great Canadian Baking Show, and I just haven’t been able to do what I’d wanted to do. I had a list and everything. FML.

I want to spend time writing; I have so many things to write. I journal every evening, and I post on a private web site maybe once a week where I can publish my thoughts with relative anonymity. But it’s hardly what I want to do, and I know I am, under normal circumstances, capable of more.

But circumstances have changed with full-time work. My time is obviously being used much differently now, but so is my brain and mental capacity. I enjoy the perks of having a paycheque that provides me with things I couldn’t have when I was part-time and on disability, like my car, but I am wondering if it’s all worth it. I love that damn car, and it would be hard to have a life without it, but…I’m tired. I’m missing things in my life that were worthwhile to me when I had them with less money.

I am feeling a tad bit trapped. I need the car for work, too, so I can’t give it up. I need the pension I pay into twice a month (and it’s an expensive pension) to have any chance of making my retirement dream come true. But I am struggling with the schedule and the busyness and the lack of downtime. I’m really not sure what to do.

So I’m feeling stressed & anxious and unsure.