Connundrum
I haven’t written in a while because I don’t feel like I have much of interest to say these days. My life is typically humdrum with little excitement, and it’s feeling a bit like slog lately. Work is fine; I have a new assignment so I am out of the hospital and at the local mental health centre instead. I think I’m going to like it a bit better as the hospital shift was on the difficult side & I’ll have a lot more interaction with peers at the mental health centre.
I’ve been thinking a lot about my own mortality these days because of various health issues that I seem to be very good at avoiding dealing with. I might, I have come to the conclusion, die early. Maybe I’ll make it to 60, and then bow out. I don’t know. While my health issues are overwhelming me because they’re goingto take a lot of work and change to fix, I am also, I realize, probably going to miss out on a lot of stuff because of them, too. Like the traveling I want to do.
Along with the traveling I want to do, I need to get out of the Lower Mainland. I am sick of the lifestyle here even though all my friends are in the area. I think about escaping all the time, yet I have to work on and reconcile myself to changing my health situation. I can’t do one without the other.
But, as I said, I am overwhelmed. The obstacles seem insurmountable. It all seems too difficult to deal with for me, yet I need to be motivated to do this stuff or I’ll never be able to do the things I want to do in the next 10 years of my life.
Is that OK with me? When I examine this, no, it’s not OK with me that I give up on my plans/goals/dreams.
But I also seriously don’t know what is wrong with me that I can feel that way and still feel indifferent about my health issues. And feeling like living to 60 is acceptable for me. I feel as if I need a huge intervention and someone to live with me with a cattle prod and make me not make the decisions I do on a daily basis that contribute to continuing on with poor health.
This is the connundrum I live with right now. This is taking up a lot of my mind space as well. The accompanying thoughts are not helpful whatsoever, too. I feel like a terrible person, and this is what I tell myself regularly.
Something is wrong with me, and I don’t know what it is. None of it makes sense.
Wandering Coyote 
I know I’ve said it before but I really resonate with these feelings. My health is precarious and there are TINY changes I could make to improve it… yet I’m unable to even start. My therapist says it’s a low self esteem trait, to not prioritise one’s health, which feels partly true. But it seems inertia/anhedonia are completely in control. I feel like I need six months’ rehab to be in a no-fail controlled environment before I can even make a single change. Which obviously doesn’t exist for people like us. I just wanted you to know you’re not alone in this, even though I can’t offer anything. And WOW twenty years of the Coyote blog – that’s amazing. So we’ve known each other 15 years ❤️❤️❤️ You’ve helped my mental health incredibly and I know I’m not alone.
Thank you, Lil!
I am wondering if I feel this way because of perimenopause. The more I read about it, the more I feel like this is a good theory. I would love a 6 month rehab stint, too! Thank you for making me feel a little less alone. I think this whole stage of life for me is something I’m just going to have to wait out. That’s going to be hard!