What Will It Take?

I am not seeking any advice so please refrain from giving me any. Thanks!

This is the question of the day, as I continue to ponder my future, my options, my plans. A lot of things hinge on my health, and as a big girl with some health issues, my mind today has been buzzing with that question, and I don’t know the answer. If I move to a foreign country to teach English, which is my plan for my 50s, I am not sure I’d pass the requisite health check most countries require of people applying to stay long term. In fact, I’m pretty sure I’d fail at this moment in time.

While I’m not brave enough – nor does it really matter, in the end – to list my various health concerns here, let us say they are kind significant. In fact, I’d say my health and my weight is the #1 thing that takes up mind space for me on a daily basis. I spend a lot of time worrying about my future: will I be ambulatory in my middle ages? Will I die young?

Will I die young??

You’d think having that heavy question weighing on my mind so regularly would be motivation enough for me to make the changes necessary so that I might live as long as possible, right?

Apparently not.

I am proceeding with the status quo.

And I don’t know why.

I don’t particularly want to die young, and I do want to be ambuatory in my middle ages, and I do want to do all these exciting things I envision for myself. I really do.

I don’t know what my mental block is. Well, other than I am overwhelmed by all I have to and/or should be doing to lose the weight and attain decent physical health & wellbeing. I have been pretty well-informed by more than one doctor about potential issues and risks and things that are or could be on my horizon (none of them pretty), and yet, I do nothing.

And you’d think that having “will I die young?” on my brain, that would be a pretty big motivator. But it’s not turning out to be.

So what will it take? Will it take a catastrophic health event (that I probably could prevent) that puts me in the hospital? Surgeries? Heart attacks/strokes? More doctors than I already have, more pills than I already take? Seeing my hopes and dreams die before me because I am too stubborn and lost and uncaring to get myself to where I need to be?

I should be scared. I am not. I am…numbed. I am indifferent.

WHAT WILL IT TAKE?